Exiled

Exiled:
1) Expulsion from one’s native land by authoritative decree.
2) The fact or state of such expulsion: to live in exile.
3) A person banished from his or her native land.
4) Prolonged separation from one’s country or home, as by force of circumstances: wartime exile.
5) Anyone separated from his or her country or home voluntarily or by force of circumstances.
6) To expel or banish (a person) from his or her country; expatriate
7) To separate from country, home, etc.: Disagreements exiled him from his family.

Synonyms: Evict. Drive out. Cast out. Eject. Deport

Origin: Banishment.

I have been banished.

By an Authoritative Decree.

One week. One week, which could lead to two, possibly three – I’m not so certain that it is the length of time that matters as much as the fact that someone else made this choice for me.

I did not make this choice.

Cast Out.

In fact, I thought I had worked things in my favor to keep me from this very thing: my Home.

At first, when I realized that I had been Exiled – I thought it for the best. The person (or Authority, in this case) seemed to make a clear case. No contact: One Week. That seemed a workable solution for me at first; hurtful, yes – at the same time, just “okay”. Just breathe, there’s plenty to do – let the Authority think on the things that need to be thought about, and I’ll return to my schedule, my work, my family, my hopes and dreams of the future – my fears of the future – my love for the things I cherish.

Who gains the right to “Authority,” in a case such as this?

I think this over, a pen in my mouth – worrying the plastic to death with my teeth – because I find that I am not only in Exile from the Authority – a thing too complicated to discuss --

I am in Exile from my Home.

My Home. The home I own, the home I love, the home in which I have bled ,cried, painted, hoped, prayed, danced, entertained, laughed, hidden-away, slept, deconstructed and reconstructed an entire life-time of Me.

Where are my rights?

In a relationship, when one Exiles either themselves or another – something needs to be addressed. A thing that might one day save the relationship, or on another day simply annihilate it altogether.

But what about my HOME?

I find no other course of action than to take my words, look up the meaning of other words, and plunk them down on a page, as I seem to have no other power before me – oh, there IS power that I could wield, but that would lead to destruction itself…and I do not want more destruction.

There are days that I want to go Home. That I want to go Home so badly that my very skin hurts, and that I feel it is too thin to keep the insides of my body from spilling out.

But I do not go Home, because I have given that home to someone else.

And now, I am in Exile. Banished from my Native Land. While some might disagree with my use of the term “Native Land,” I would easily argue: I grew up in that House.

Not in the conventional sense: I have not been in that home since I was a child. But it was the Home I was living in when I began my journey to adulthood. The house that would gently teach me responsibility, teach me how to be alone with myself, teach me how to fix things, or reach out, or reach in – I argue – My Native Land – as it is the place where my soul is most at Home.

Native Land: The Country where you were born. This works for me, as A) yes – I was born in this country, and B) I was “born,” the person I am now – in that house. That Home.

Banished.

I wonder when I gave my power away, and why. And for how long?

When did I give my Own Authority over to Another? So long ago – many, many years ago.

Living in Exile, I think – works only for me if I Am the One Who Choses It.

I did not Choose This – however, I did agree to the terms.

Because I felt that I had no Choice.

Here, in this moment – in Exile – I make a promise to find my Own Authority…and return it to it’s Rightful Place.

Tomorrow, maybe.